Cher Mère,

Encore une fois, j'ai réussi à te décevoir, car tu viens de m'envoyé un message très ferme. Bien que j'apprécie que tu partage ton point de vue, je le trouve complètement biaisée. Je n'avais même pas besoin d'être avec  toi cette foi si! Si je n'étais pas ta fille tu n’aurais très probablement pas beaucoup de soin à ce que j'ai fait. Il est clair pour moi - et je devine pour tout le monde aussi - que tu as choisi un camp ; cette décision a été faite il ya longtemps. C'est évident  qui est ta fille préférée. Tu ma  demandé de respecter mes parents également, mais le respect peut augmenter ou diminuer les sur le comportement. J'avais l'habitude de me tourner vers toi – tu étais la femme idéal a mes yeux - maintenant je tourne en vers une autre direction. Tu me demande d’aimais toi et Daddy aussi également, mais comment puis-je, quand tu n’aime pas ma sœur et moi également. Ça m'est égal. J'ai l'habitude et maintenant ca  arrêté de me déranger. Tu veux que je réussisse dans la vie juste pour montrer à tous le monde que tu as une fille qui a pris toute la mesure  et qui peux le faire - je pense. Je ne pense pas que tu veux que je réussisse pour que tu puisses être en paix en sachant que ta fille aînée va bien, et tout va bien se passer. Eh bien, je ne suis pas bien la mère. Je suis devenu instable. Tu ne pense probablement pas que je vais aller loin dans la vie et je ne suis pas en désaccord. Je veux juste que tu saches que c'est de ta faute. Tu es la base de chacun et de chacune de mes actions. J'ai passé un peu moins de la moitié de ma vie à essayer de t’impressionner. Tu  as écrasé tous mes espoirs et mes rêve, alors c’est tous ce qui me rester. J'ai toujours essayé si difficilement de gagner ton acception - plus dure que tu puisses imaginer. J'ai essayé plus fort que toute personne devrait jamais avoir à essayer - surtout à l'égard de leur mère - mais je pense que c'est juste une mission impossible. Je ne peux jamais faire quelque chose de droit dans tes yeux et je suppose que cela ne changera jamais. Je ne peux pas m'empêcher de me demander si j’étais enfant unique, est-ce  que les choses seraient les mêmes?
Ma sœur est choyée et étouffé dans l'amour tandis que je viens de me tapir dans l'ombre. Je pourrais aussi bien être tombée dans le fond autant que je sache. Elle est la seule sœur que j’ai – uni par le sang - je le sais, et je l'aime beaucoup! Peut-être trop! Même à travers tous les chagrins qu'elle me causait. Je m'inquiète pour elle tous les jours – la paranoïa  peut-être - mais je sais qu'elle est forte et qu’elle ira bien (Elle ta de son coté, et moi pas). Tu te fais croire qu'elle est faible, et que je suis trop grande pour être fragiles / sensibles, mais Maman, ce que tu ne vois pas, c'est que je suis tombé dans la position de la plus faible. Dans ma tête, j'ai été abandonnée. Comme un orphelin. Je sens que la seule façon que je serai heureuse, c’est si je réussi à avoir mon diplôme avec d'excellentes notes. Cela a été mon objectif. Dès que j'aurai obtenu mon diplôme, je vais affronter le monde moi-même et vous laissée derrière parce qu'il semble que vous n'avez pas de place pour moi - vous ne voulez pas / et vous n’avez pas besoin de moi de toute façon. J'ai essayé de mon mieux, mais tu penses encore que je fou ma vie en l’air - parce que si je choisi les garçons, je n’arriverais nul pars. Je ne vais pas discuter cette ‘logique’, mais je vais tout  te prouver le contraire et quand il arrive, tu ne seras pas. Je ne le te dirais pas, car sa sera ma réussite. J’ai mes amis - ma seconde famille - et leur amour et leur soutien. C'est tout ce que j'ai besoin de pour aller n'importe où je veux aller dans la vie. Surtout j'ai moi-même. Les restrictions d'âge - et tout ce que la responsabilité qui vient avec un certain âge - sont stupides et je vais toujours  vivre en contradiction avec le monde et ses règles facétieux. J'ai peut-être quinze, mais je suis encore un enfant et je ne suis pas pressé de dire le contraire.
Je crois fermement que ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus forte seulement. J'ai besoin d'apprendre de mes erreurs, mais tu dois me laisser les faires si je dois apprendre. Tu pourrais penser que tu me protège, mais tu vas dans la mauvaise direction à ce sujet. Sans l'expérience que j'ai acquise, je ne serais pas en mesure de bien juger ce monde moi-même. Je ne peux pas dépendre sûr tout ce que tu dis. En trois ans, tu n’auras pas besoin de t'inquiéter pour moi. Il suffit de prendre soin de la petite, et elle va me rejoindre, le moment venu. Ce sont mes erreurs à faire et c'est ma vie à vivre.   Je suis celui qui doit mourir quand il sera temps, alors laisse-moi une chance de vivre ma vie, à la façon que je veux.
En 20 ans, je me vois heureusement mariée à un homme merveilleux et avoir donné naissance à la première de mes quatre enfants. Je vais vivre dans une grande maison et je vais avoir gagné tout ce qui m'entoure. Je vais travailler si dur pour y arriver. La persévérance est la clé. Je sais que je peux le faire. Mais pour Iman, je ne suis pas encore sûr.
Tout ce que je demande, c'est que tu me respecte comme une personne. Tu ne pourrais pas comprendre pourquoi je fais les choses que je fais et je ne veux pas que tu les comprennes pour le moment. Tout sera clair dans un peu de temps. Il te suffit d'être patient.
Avec tout l'amour qu’une fille peut donner à sa mère,
Inès.

P.S.

Je suis qui je suis. J’essaie de changer mais tu ne me donne pas envie. Et en plus, si je change, je ne serais plus qui j suis mais ce que tu voudrais que je suis et ce n’est vraiment pas ce que je veux. Je veux être ma propre personne qu’on m’aime pour ce que j’ai de bien et mes défaut aussi. Et je ne souhaite la mort de personne. Surtout pas toi. Pense de moi ce que tu veux, il me reste plus que trois ans pour essayer de déterminer en qu’elle direction je veux mener ma vie. Je suis épuisée de chercher que tu m’approuve et maintenant tout ce qui compte c’est que je fini mes études et que je vais haut de la de mes attentes. J’espère que tu comprendras et que tu ne le prendras pas mal tout sa. 

Shades of Blue

I'm writing a new story.
One i hope i'll finish (:
I'm still indecisive about the title :/
The plot's all good and sturdy in my head but knowing me, well.. 
I'm not going to embellish on that and jinx it.
Here it is:

CHAPTER 1

I was walking home. Yes, walking. I couldn’t stand the speed anymore. Even my gait was pretty fast. I moved too fast, and I felt like I was missing out on so much. But here, back home, there was nothing to miss. I’d seen it all when I had been living in slow motion – well, not so slow for you I guess.

There were acres and acres of field, and apart from my house, there was nothing but a bus-stop; that one object amongst a sea of countryside. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought my mother had no option but to live out here. Like she was out-casted into living separately from the rest of the town. Now I know that she had actually chosen to live out here. I don’t know what made me ask her, nor do I know why she thought that way. Mother was quite social in general, but the location of our home proved otherwise and could have fooled even me. Then again, she was full of contradictions. I on the other hand, was a very logical person with as little hypocritical aspects to my life – if you could call them hypocritical at all. I change my mind a lot, but my mother always told me, in that booming bold voice of hers, “Only a fool never changes their mind”. This adage found a sweet spot in my brain and became the reason to all of my ‘hypocritical’ acts. I was also overly open-minded.

I was so open-minded in fact that that I used to love living in that house of ours. Just us two. It was like living in our own fairytale. But as I grew older – and also thanks to my mother’s adage – I couldn’t help but think that there was more to life than this. There must have been more to life than my little town, my little bus-stop, my little school, the little town people (little as in there weren’t very many; we all knew one another), and the little life I led. I always thought big. Bigger than what I had. But my mother blamed TV for poisoning the mind of the young ones. She told me there was nothing out there. Nothing for me, nothing for anyone. Scorn etched on her face every time she looked out the window, she implied that out of our little town was where the malice lay. The sort I’d seen on TV growing up but never really witnessed; Nothing ever happened here. Everything ran so smoothly and with a stir up in the engine or a bump in the road. It was all too louche for me, and fed my suspicion.

“Are you going to stand there, or are you going to hand me those groceries?” my mother’s voice startled me. I didn’t even hear her open the door and I wasn’t sure how long her beady eyes had been watching for. I’d come to realize I had come to a halt on the front porch and had been staring up into space..  At the moon. Again.

CHAPTER 2

“Geez Mia,” Mom started.

“Don’t Geez me!” I quickly responded, knowing oh too well what would have been said next. “No one makes a child at night to get groceries. No one in their right mind at least. Do you know what could happen?”. Of course I knew nothing would happen, but I liked to pretend something could. I like living like the people I see on TV. As fake as some of it seemed, I knew there must have been an element of truth to it. Mother just snatched a bag from my hand, so I continued “Who’s ever heard of a 24 hour grocery store anyway!?” I didn’t really know what I was talking about. Not really.

After having helped my mom put away the groceries, changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth and set my clothes for tomorrow, I decided to go out on the balcony - The usual. I tied back my long brown curly hair into a bun as I always did. I sat on my comfy chair and wrapped myself up in my blanket. It was a pink blanket with silver stars – of a variety of sizes – on it. An heirloom from an aunt of mine. Another one of my relatives I’d most probably never meet. I shook that thought away and focused my entire attention on the only thing that mattered: The moon. Ever since I was little, I’d found so much comfort in the moon. One that I cannot describe with mere words. You’d have to be in my body to feel it. It’s a wonderful feeling. I could sit there for hours just staring and thinking. 

3 Posts in 1

Still from my phone ;>

- UNREAL

My life is so fucking unstable. I'm so fucking unstable. Love does not exist for me but one day I hope it sweeps me off my feet, but only if its here to stay. Or it might as well just not show up. I'm so sick and tired of all these traitors. I can't trust the people I know, or the people I don't. They'll all stab me in the front and tbh I'd prefer them stabbing me in the back. And the traitors deceive me but still believe that they can act like everything's okay. Have they forgotten everything that has just happened, everything that they've done?

- TRAITORS
We're all sailors in this world.. Sailing high on life.
We'll meet lots of traitors in this world.. Ones that don't stab with a knife.

"For never was there a story of more woe than that of juliet and her romeo" 
- william shakespeare

William should have stuck around, for a centuries later

"There came a story of more woe
A story full of strife
The fact of the matter is
It was the story of my life"
- inezz emm.

- Reeah

I curse like a sailor
She hurt me that traitor
Could you do me this favor
And all turn to hate her

She's changed out to in
a freshly touched virgin 
She was never mine to win
Our friendship was a sin

"She's out of mind and out of sight now. "

My life is a losing game

Also from my phone ;>

Do winners always win, or do losers always lose? Does there have to be one of both to every game or can we have the chance to choose?

I've lost it all. I tried to get it back, but they told me not to try too hard. It was like trying to put out a huge fire with a bucket of water. I lost my mind a long time ago and I've been losing everything vital ever since. I guess I chose to lose, whether I meant to or not. Was I really that careless in caring for my possessions or were they never mine to begin with? If tears were unable to evaporate, I would've drowned in mine a long time ago. It is almost impossible to think that I ever had anything at all. I played a game and I lost it all. I lost everything. I lost my precious diary to a man who had no business in my life. I lost my boyfriends to girls that logic would dictate aren't any better than me. I lost my friends through words that I don't remember why they were even uttered. And then I cried, losing tears for people who wouldn't have shed but one fake one.

I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care that my diary, with a thousand and one of my deepest thoughts, is in the hands of a total stranger. I shouldn't care that I always get dumped out of pure madness. I shouldn't care that my old friends don't want me in their lives anymore. I shouldn't care that she would rather speak to 'that' rather than me or anyone else for that matter. I REALLY shouldn't care.

But I do and therefore, I lose.

Ruru, you are no longer mine. I leave you in the hands of another.

I love you so much that when that love turns to hate well..

what could it be that triggers this hate? Did you have to stab me in my back? Did you have to humiliate me in front of a bunch of people? Did you have to speak my secrets to every person with a pulse? Did you have to totally zone me out? Did you have to lie to my face?

No. None of that.
All you had to do was speak the words you did. They were enough to break my already shattered heart into a million more pieces. After all the things you have said to me, insulting me in a way that was unjust and uncalled for, why be so hypocritical? Can you just stop being 'that' #2 and fucking get your own characteristics. It's not difficult being yourself y'know. But the fact is that you are her clone and so I would expect nothing more from you. Make yourself comfortable because you're 2 people sitting on one seat. I hope the seatbelt fits or else.. And because you are the second 'that' you are also inferior. You are just that bit worse than she is. To think you would have rather gone to your original than to have continued conversation with me disgusts me really. I used to be your confidante, and you mine. But I don't blame you. You're just out of your mind and in hers. I just hope you grow into yours in time. 

Do you think I'll make you try and repair the damage? No, I wouldn't want you to cut yourself trying to reassemble something that's beyond repair. There's nothing you can do for me now but leave me alone. Dig yourself a grave and sit in it. Please. Because right now all my love is being used in anger and hate and its all towards one person: you! Because you were once my best friend. Because you were the one who lied to me. Because you were the one who used me. Because you were the base of it all. Was it a plan from the start? I do wonder. I don't want to hurt you, so I'll let you off easy. And no I'm not stupid, I know better; next time I won't be so forgiving.

Now you're not only hurting me but you're hurting my friends too and that's not okay with me. I will come and fuck with your face if I have to and not you, nor your sex partner, nor you original, nor your tag-along can stop me. The traitor will get her just desserts and I'll see to it!

All I want to say is please don't hurt me like that again. If not for my sake, then for yours. I don't think I could take another blow like that again.

Thank you (:


Also a post from my memos on my phone. If i ever let you look, you could find some interesting stuff there, haha. But it's too long to bother reading!

It takes all these things and all this time :\

To think this was all written on my phone. I did'nt realise how long it was :-o

Oh lover, I was up in the woods somewhere, sitting on the edge of something. I had just woken up, as the sight of a firefly pulled my attention towards the sky. There I saw our pink moon. We used to live on that pink moon, in my marshmallow dreams. We were always there for each other. One day I waited, but you never came. Still I waited for days on end. I knew you wouldn't show but I had to stay. I said I'd always be there for you; I promised. And so you see, I had to stay in case you came back. Came back home. Where I'd be waiting with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eyes. A drop of water on my nose announced the coming of rain. I love the rain. I blinked, and as if on queue, it begun to rain. I watched every living thing scurry to safety, curl up nice and warm. Not a creature stirred. It was growing colder. I enjoyed it, for the soothing decrease in temperature was the only time I knew I was alive. And I mean truly alive. When the numbness was no more and I could feel. Feel the frost on my nose. Ahh.

But then I see the dark clouds coming up. I don't like the ominous night clouds above me. Now they're here, I know they won't go away. Things will never be the same. You will never come home. My marshmallow dreams have vanished. Then, and only then did I truly realize how alone I felt. How alone I was. And how alone I'd always be. The cold now penetrated into my heart and every word that I spoke, was of someone else. Words I spoke to play the part of the girl I'd like to be. The act I pull off everyday. That of the girl who smiles the most beautiful lies.

Oh and how my heart aches, no burns at the mere thought of you. I just want to get you out of my head and into my arms. Screaming your name in the midst if the forest goes unheard, just like all the prayers I said each night before I finally gave up. I've given up on everything. I've lost the strength for it all. All of it except you. I'll still keep my chin up for you, for if you return, I wouldn't want you to see me in such a pitiful state. And although my exterior portrays a calmness only known to setting suns and rising moons, inside, tucked away somewhere, lies an imminent explosion waiting to happen. I know this because you had stabbed your final goodbye at me in a way that couldn't define you as a human but more as a stone-hearted beast, and that was bound to do the trick - you pulled the trigger; you injected the venom.

It was not our last goodbye, for I saw you in my acid dreams. Ones from which a firefly wakes me up and I find myself sitting on the edge of something, up in the woods somewhere. Sometimes I even pretend to be asleep just to sweeten my nightmares but... If not that, then I sit there for hours staring at the scenery, not paying attention to a single thing that happens in front of me, only thinking of what went wrong. And remembering the good old days where you couldn't hurt me. But now thoughts of you torment me. Truth is, I still love you; it hurts. It hurts too much for me to admit to anyone apart from myself; I wouldn't want you to think of me as your malice or ghost - I set you free (and I would be so darn lucky if you returned). It hurts too much to even think about it. Thinking about it nauseated me, confused me, wounded me and puts my heart in a position of distress. Like poison. I know that if we ever do meet again, the way you move won't be fair. "Hey! Don't be spiteful. Come back, walk my way. Don't walk, run if you please." But no you wouldn't dare walk back here. Not back home to our lovely not-so-happy melted world. It used to be so shiny, in fact it still is. But not everything shiny is gold. 

There's no other way to escape the truth but this. And there is no other way to escape you but by stopping the blood circulation in my waste of a body. All this for a person? But it is not just a person. To me it is so much more than that. But I'll lie and say it WAS more than that, because "I've moved on", right? I'm so stuck in the past lingering on your deep brown eyes, on what seemed like the fairest of seasons. I tremble at the thought. Honestly, I tremble all the time due to my disease: the reason for all this perhaps? I just want god to show me all the things I shouldn't know. That won't happen, for I also stopped believing in god altogether. I just want HIM to meet me in an imaginary basement and take both my hands in his. I just want her to rewind, to before she became a traitor and to stop trying to act like 'that' just for approval - but we all know she has a hard time fitting in. I wish 'that' had had the good sense of coming right up to my face and saying anything she had to say instead of hurting me like that; I would've understood and I would still talk to her - now I'm afraid I just want to slap her, but its not too late. She can still fix this. I wish she would too. I also wish I hadn't spoken those words to my long lost friend. I wish I had spoken my mind or my heart more often. I wish mother nature would just let the sunshine in! I wish..

Ugh, I'm pathetic. I've got to stop all this useless wishing and act upon my hopes and dreams. But I'm losing faith, hope, strength, enthusiasm, logic, desire, and even the will to breathe. But I won't die on you now. I'm still here, on the pink moon, aren't i. Even if its color happens to fade in time, you can still find me there. I look at my watch and concoct a friend for myself. Hm, I'm not so alone. I'll just go back to sleep again. My life is on hold when I'm here. Time doesn't dare enter this area and I don't have to keeping running from it. Or trying to fight it. *yawn* I think I'll just doze off again, even if it kills me. I have to see you again and this is the only way I know how. Don't worry I'm not alone, I've got someone watching on me. Can you see us?

Midnight and I. 

P.s. I love you so much, at times I can't even look at you for fear that I might faint, die, or wake up!

A secret, revealed

[Sshhh!]

Y'know, THIS YEAR, I attempted suicide. Fail.

Yes, i know, it's not a solution to your problems but i wasn't looking for one.

 I finally got the courage and told my Dad. He got a grip of all sorts of people and i found myself on more medication than i should be on.

Bleh, and the medication wasn't even tasty.

I say i'm fine & i am, but not in the way i want to be.

What's the way i want to be 'fine'? Well, take a guess.

I still wonder:

What went wrong, was it just that i was too scared?

Let's let my mind drift away for a second or two

.

..

...

....

.....

....

...

..

.

And then among these thoughts you came in, helped me get better.

I had no use for the pills anymore.

And i thank you for that (:

I miss you a lot. A lot more than you do.

You were my confidante, and in a second that all changed; You then gave me reason to start the pills again.

Oh no, that spells trouble..

But an overdose is not enough.

Let's try again, what i failed to do so long ago, and see if i'll succeed this time.

Will you stop me in time?

Will you?

[Sshh!]

MDD

I've had a lot of questions about MDD.
Alot of you dont fully understand it's effects and would just label it as a fancy name for emo. I'm getting this information from Wikipedia but im only posting what specifically effects me because i dont have a severe case of it. I have a mild one but its still pretty strong and gets stronger as time passes.

MDD (Major Depressive Dissorder -also known as recurrent depressive disorder, clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, or unipolar disorder.

It is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.Major depression is a disabling condition which adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.

How this applies to me? » It is in my brain, but i am fully aware of it's occupancy but i cannot control its effects. Always negative but i know which words to come out of my mouth to not make it seem like I'm upset. I've stopped trying in the things that were dear to me and always leave volunteered tasks unfinished ex. Sports, art, writing. Although my family is aware of it, they were aware of its gravity a long time ago  when it was but a bad seed. Now the plant has flourished but i dont think they see it. I wouldnt dare blame anything on this disease because it takes away from me having a normal life. It does distract me at school where i dont learn because my thoughts are being controlled by my disease, and having the short attention span that i do, i will be long lost in my thoughts 10 minutes into any lesson. And i repeat once again that i know its distracting me but i am powerless to stop it. Maybe i could for 2 minutes but then im off again. I consider that pretty lucky, for some dont even know they suffer from it or arent aware of its consequences or why they act the way they do.

The diagnosis of major depressive disorder is based on the patient's self-reported experiences, behavior reported by relatives or friends, and a mental status exam. There is no laboratory test for major depression, although physicians generally request tests for physical conditions that may cause similar symptoms. The most common time of onset is between the ages of 20 and 30 years, with a later peak between 30 and 40 years.

How this applies to me? » Well i got checked on this and the process can take up to 2 years to see how fast the growth of it is. I was 10 when i was checked, around the time where still fight and it was till i was 12 about the time my parents finally got divorced and i started to get sick of school. I was given a few quizzes and i was interrogated and as falsely as i answered i had about 20 wires on me and a body language reader so i guess they got what i was trying to do pretty quickly. I was only little and so that was pretty shocking but the doctors were pretty certain that it wouldnt develop much further - im beginning to doubt thats true.  I just had to relieve stress thats all it took to reverse the effects. Take baths with those little fizzy things and get massaged twice a week. and i was to never get bored really.  The worst was soon over

Typically, patients are treated with antidepressant medication and, in many cases, also receive psychotherapy or counseling. Hospitalization may be necessary in cases with associated self-neglect or a significant risk of harm to self or—as rarely is the case—to others. A minority are treated with electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), under a short-acting general anaesthetic. The course of the disorder varies widely, from one episode lasting weeks to a lifelong disorder with recurrent major depressive episodes. Depressed individuals have shorter life expectancies than those without depression, in part because of greater susceptibility to medical illnesses and suicide. Treatment with medications however has not been shown to decrease the risk of suicide. Current and former patients may be stigmatized

 How this applies to me? » I do have antidepressants until now. I also have a tendency to self-medicate but not to the point where it could kill me. I always read or try  to understand what the pill could do to me before i take it. It's very rare that you see me take a random pill, but it happens. I just want to be happy y'know? I also take lithium pills, ecstacy capsules for school and the odd painkillers i have spared from my surgery. Shocking? Well, There lies a whole mystery behind me and i plan to write it down, you wouldnt want to know the reason why, but i bet you can guess. Most of the paragraph above really doesnt apply to me but i just thought i'd let you know. And along with this random fact, i'll give a random fact about my MDD. I created a person named Jale.  shes my alternate, or my reality because inez has faked so many things that, she cannot really be me. Jale stands for Just  A Little Emo. Im not saying im little but im saying a little bit, but Jalbe sounds weird. Anything i've named Jale has a bigger meaning. I'll explain Jale fully on a later post (: Let's just say she's my inner beast.

A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that formerly were enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred. Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features), withdrawal from social situations and activities, and thoughts of death or suicide.

 How this applies to me? » I don't exhibit very low moods right? Well i do but i just tell everyone i'm sleepy or i just put my sunglasses on and listen to music, and that's not very often now is it? Haha, my lowest times of the day happen to be right before bed or when im in the shower or looking in the mirror. In the shower i have a lot of alone time to get distracted and self reflect. In front of the mirror is where i tend to do most of m self criticizing i really hate my face though so i dont tend to look in the mirror except to make sure i look acceptable which only takes about 5 or 6 seconds. Want to know what goes on in my head? Exactly whats stated above and im not going to deny it. And also i like to think of the things that trigger this feeling and why they do so. One thing i didnt know is that MDD affects your memory. Now that i do, i can fully explain my memory of a goldfish. As for the thoughts of death or suicide haha, have you heard my song 'And now you dont even care' ?  Thats all its about.


There's a lot more complicated things about MDD and a lot more about me you'd need to know but i wouldnt want to reveal myself like that. This is enough. Just want to make you aware and fully knowledgeable.


Done!  

I'm sick..

I  realised most of you don't already know this.
I guess i've been doing a great job of keeping this a secret.
I suffer from a Major Depressive Dissorder [MDD]
It's not really a common disease and most people who have it don't deal with it the way that i learnt how to.
They tend to have a low self esteem and a negative mind.
I'd like to say i'm very optimistic but thats towards other. when i reflect upon myself, i can't keep from doing what my disease makes me do. That is to think negatively especially upon myself. I cant help but reflect myself in a way that i see best describes me, however untrue one might think it is. I personally think that i am one of the lowest forms of a low life. I dont suffer from this disease severely, so i do understand that there are people lower than myself. I also understand that i probably am not the lowest form of low on this earth but it's all i can bring myself to believe. I know i probably wont amount to anything. As Lil Wayne says 'the top gets higher, the more that i climb'. That's the phrase that describes my life almost perfectly. I have been through so many downs that the ups dont even seem like ups anymore. And this disease i have makes things worse. I think it might even lead me to an early death.. Not that i haven't already died on the inside.:/


Anyways i just wanted to let you know! Next time i look like im 'out of it' It's probably my MDD kicking in! 


Im also experiencing Melancholia every now and again. It's a random bug that affects me whenever and wherever. I really dont like it become it strikes me hard. I really dont like crying :/ I know what can trigger it though, and i try to avoid such heartaches.


So now that my secret's out, just know that what you see isn't always what you get.


Ugh; FML!

Bombeezy Scribbles #1

It's just about 9:40 AM
and i'm going to try and write a poem!
I'll name it later. Or someone can help me name it later :)
There it is, 9:40 on the dot so here i gooooo.

So now i leave you without a sound
because of the love you had not found
And my heart quickly hits the ground
Knowing that you will not be around


Knowing that i had you there
And now you don't even care
You were my ration of air
And now you don't even care


Trying to wash a tear stained face
Along with the memories i can't erase
Our love was just another pity case
so easily over, so easily replaced


Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

I'll deal with it the way i know best

Bodily harm; Perhaps a stake through the chest

& Anything else  you might suggest

I can't be bothered being depressed

Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

Ending my life, is not suicide

Not when you have already died

Taking all the good times aside

I only remember the times i cried

Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

Goodbye, forever.

Spring Cocktail party

[This post was originnaly titled last night but i never got round to finishing it ]

Yesterday [as in wednesday] i went to a party on star compound ;)

Prologue

Star is a pretty lame compound so i don't go often. As a matter of fact, i don't go at all. It's worse than seder D:

Ahahahahaha! No offense intended to sederians! Anyways. The guy goes, yeah be there early, like at 6. So It's 5:10 and i haven't even got my outfit because mimo's still taking a shower and my stuff is at her house. I go to her house to hurry her process, and get my dress. I come home and decide i dont wanna wear the dress. Instead i decide to wear my little skirt that i love. It's really short but whatever. Now it's about 5:30 and Lean hasnt come. She calls, as if by coincidence and says were come. She gets to the compound at like 5:50 and realises she doesnt know the way to my house. She says she's at the park so i go out with my old abaya and look in both parks. Tiring process believe it or not. I thought i'd find her so i didnt take my phone. Fail. I go home and call her up, only to find out after precising her location that shes in a completely different place. the place where i looked in the car mirror. Oooft, had  my memory failed me then, i would have been doomed. So go get her and its six by the time. We wait for mimo, get ready, put make up on, wait foor asma, call a compound car, hop in, drive off, get there and here's where the story really begins.  

As soon as we stepped out the car asma saw people she knew. [This is where i stopped and i'm going to try my best to retell the story in as much detail as i can rememeber] So she calls to them and gets out the car. Me and Mimo did our little flop attempts at getting out of the car closely followed by Lean and Rahaf. So we go through the pedestrian gate. The door doidnt open wide enough for some reson so we had to squeeze through. So we get to the gate and only mimo and asma actually had their ID's. Lean goes,  we don't need our ID's. The guy is just gonna come and deal with it. The guy working at the the party room had to come back and forth. He kept trying to shoo us off but Lean talked to him. It was sooo embarrasing we practically spent an hour at the gate wwaiting as all our friends passed and shit.  Lean kept saying the guy has the list and hell put us in but the guy came at thegate and ditched us. wtff. Then it was someone's bright idea to run in so Lean and Rahaf run in. Big fail because the guy was staring rightat them when they did so. I stayed and got penalized for their mistakes. Two random girls tried getting me in but it was such a fail. In the end, i made a pact with the guy: If Rhaf and Lean came back now then he would let me in ;)  Fair enough. So they came back!  We must have pissed the guy off really badly or our pleading must have worked cos he finally let us in. Just when i was about ready to give up and go home. So we go into the bathroom to check ourselves and we had to go into the guys one. Some guy comes in all confused, checks the door then looks at us. "The other one is locked" asma says. He goes in with a nod of the head and does his business. Haha, it made me and rahaf laugh. LOUDLY. So then we go upstairs to the party room. Asma was sposed to be checking but we really couldnt be bothered. So then, we see this frog like guy (who ended up adding me on facebook ) and others doing shisha ;) i wanted :/ but ima cleanyy! We sat across from him. Then i randomly see Aman. Ahahah, i ended up being her life saver. So we chilled with her. Oh it gets even funnier. I see Nehad and im like shit. Trying to aviod him but it was such a fail lol. We went into the party room and i see Xzit ;)  He's cool. Taller or shorter than i would have expected or rememebered. The diffference must have bin in the heelz. So yeah and nehad asked me to dance, and so did a few guys. i ended up dancing with a random 17 year old fahad. Mimo danced with his friend, after he got rejected by both rahaf and aman;
.
Lol, so all in all i met yasmin seridar and sonson heavens. AND MANY MORE ;)
Fun night in the end. Had lots of fun.

Downer was that i had to see G's face, and go home with G and be in within the meter of him. Ugh! But atleast got to see mohab and meet Basma x3 Oh speaking of G. he's such a stalker. he was on my netlog this morning at like 4:40 :/ wtfff.

UGH, FML!

It's the memories that we had..

Earlier today i had spent my morning eyes wide open awake thinking. Thinking of the most ridiculous things. I must have been really tired or really hungry. I've been fucked up in the head today.

At school today i had to work with stefan for french. Haven't spoken to him in a while so i guess this is good. He mentioned this website. I find that a little stalkerish :/ That same way Maher ended up in every one of my classes this year! Health passed by quickly but the things we learnt today were pretty deep. Everything's deep in that class. I can't permit myself to fail that class. It's just a reminder of how well i'll do at life. If i fail health then i might do badly in the future. Gah, my mind's a really complicated place. Then i had science. Fun lesson. Finally understood what the lesson was about at the end. I was lucky that McLellan helped me out when he sent me to the board. Nice guy! He's really funny to. ( As in funny, laugh at funny) Funniest shit in science... McLellan makes a poisonous gas and puts it in a thing that's suppose to filter it and so we don't breathe it in. Ahmed goes "i can smell it D:" No really? Have you ssen how big your honker is? Imagine you couldn't smell it! Ahahahahah! Silly boy. Furth was really pissed in math today and i finally got the lesson too there. Ahah ;) Catching up just like you wanted Gordiee.

Back home i didn't decide to sleep. Instead i spent my day on MSN. - i really like this site cos it saves every 2 minutes or so. that way everytime i accidentally close the wondow, its saved and i dont have to get all upset - Talked to a lot of people today. It was random ;) Gladly Ghassan deleted me from his FB. He added me, he deleted me. That way it's ALL him. He's always been one to run away, haha! Coward, just like his gf. And speaking of her, she tells me to apologise. For what? wtf. LMAO, a couple of weirdos. Bin talking to Glittery more and more. He's being nice, which is awkward. I don't like it. I dunno y. Ahah! Not sure what to do with my weekend. So many people asking me to go to places. Argh, my simple outings have become overly complicated. Oh yes, The party! I can't wait. I have so much homework to do, i don't know where or how to begin.

Lately i've found out that i like to trust people with personal things and those people arent even that close. I miss having my long uninteresting  conversations about random things with her. I found out that she likes taking baths. I haven't taken a bath in a very long time. I wan't to hop into a jacoozi. Arizona me manques trop. I really wanna go back there. It's fun! I miss all the things i lost this year! I lost so much this year. Mentally, environmentally, and socially. I would like to recover them but there's a slim chance of that happening. I don't know how i let these things happen. Why can't everyone just chill and like everyone. Or atleast pretend to. I don't know. Can't we still talk through our differences ? Sing like little canaries and not really bother whether the notes are flat or sharp. Okay, that was a silly metaphor but i hope i'm gztting my point across. After a long time i haven't prayed. I'm going to pray tonight. I am so scared to do so. Noww i know what being scared of the ridiculous feels like. Where people might think that you're crazy and laugh, because they dont feel the same way; They're not scared of those things that terrify you.

I'm wondering if i'll ever make it on that TV screen. Or have the greens rolling in. Will i have to do back breaking work to earn my money? I've always dreamt big but whenever i take my long trips back from inside my head to Earth, i rememeber that life doesn't always work out the way you plan. I take a wiff of reality and realise that dreams don't come true. Ever! Not a one. I'm so afraid that all my positive self talk will blow up in my face. Just like everything else. I want the brightest future for myself and the kids i want to have. But I'm so scared. I just feel like dying or fast forwarding or rewinding or something. I need help and i feel more alone than ever these days :[ I'm wondering when i'll ever starttalking to the people i've been zoning out. There are just so many.. I don't like the feeling. To me were just distant friends but seeing them every once in a while reminds me that we can all talk to eachother and make the effort to go up to the other and say something. Just one thing! Anything.  Or a gesture to say everythings fine. We're all capable of it, but i'm just getting the wrong idea!

What i don't understand is how people can be so cruel; so good at art; so insensitive; so stupid.
Really these 4 topics should be sepereate posts so i'm going to save these stories for another day/time.

"I look at all these photographs
I remember when i used to make you laugh
I don't want to be stuck in the past
But you're all that i have, that i have"
- RIHANNA & Will.I.Am

Ugh, FML :'/

Emancipation

Not sure what the word in title of this post means :z
I just like it ;)

So here's today's post.
My diet is going marvelously, thank you very much. NAAAAT
Come on, you all know me too well to go on a diet. I'm from Belgium. All we do s eat. We have th stomachs for this type of thing. Ugh, i don't know hoz Justine and the Mathy's do it. I guess they're not proper bëlge. So yeah, I failed at starving myself cos i had KFC and ate at school. Incase you haven't guessed. That means i've been eating MORE than usual :s I must be really bored. I'll try tomorrow.  It has to be 30 days from the the day i start. Ahah! That might take me a year to accomplish. Maybe i should starve myself for a week. Yeah thats what i'll do. Segment my long term goal of being SUPER SKINNY. Yeah, a week then a week and a bit, then 2 weeks and an eating session between each or i'll die. I hope it works... *fingers crossed*

School life is awkward. Appart from the eating theres been a few noticeable changes. I've stopped talking to the anwars. "Its about time" ahah. Okay, just because i'm not talking to them doesn't mean were not friends. Well technically it does but that gives you no right to talk about them in that way. I was once friends with them and i'd appreciate it if you didnt ;) Noorhan's the falsest person i've met. i can't even say she's two faced because i'm not quite sure how that works anymore. So i'm going to say she's false. Like that guy in summer camp (Thierno) Ahah. I love Cemre more than ever these days <3 Finally have more time for here (melekler) ahah, you'd think we were dating. Zee is just zee, i cant find the words to describe her. Haha, random factoid: I find myself within armswidth of Farah Shrouf today. We were together, didnt talk or anything but we were in the same group. Twas weird. And Alia saved my life from her today aswell!  LuLu<3 Tarek Radwan's been stalking me on facebook and out. He knows a lot! I dont like to talk about the past very much, excluding memories, souvenirs and laughter moments. I should be mefiant of him; he scares me a little. This quarter i have 3 c's and thats a terrible thing through my eyes. Classes only get harder from here on!

Out of school is even more of a guess. Going back to my regular life where i fend for myself and for my truly loyal entourage is a bit weird. Contrarily to being nice to everyone, being nice to the people who 'matter' is much more liberating. Glitter is acting really strange around me these days. I've lost my ability to decipher people and so i'm struggling.  My train of thought has derailed and i can't make good judgement of things as i used to. My speaking has worsened to over the past few months and i'm afraid i'm heading nowhere. My love life's gone down the toilet and i'm not sure i can reach to get it back, i'm not sure i even want to.  My personal life's a bore and my relationships are scattered all because of the decisions i make. I cant choose wisely anymore. I just wanna blaze and pretend i'm dead for 3 more years. Speaking of, Mimo brings home coke from school. Is she insane !? Ahah, La Fouine, Co-Cocaine dans l'jean ;) A lot of people know her drug dealer 'AJ'.  Ah, guess who comes online. Glittery. Lol i call him that because his last name is shammary and alia pronounces it shimmiry which is like shimmery as in shiny or glittery so yeah. Yes, i see that im bored too but i cant bring myself to doing hw :/

Today i haven't done much. Came home; ate; msn; pissed; facebook; slept; woke up; drank; msn; and here i am now. My downstairs TV is a bust and both my ipods have no battery. I slept pretty late last night which was normal but it irregulated my irregular sleeping pattern into a regular teen one, ahah >;< I haven't watched TV properly in ages and now it feels weird to do so.. I feel uncomfortable in my skin in everything i do. Ifought with Rania's bf. Considering i helped them get to together, i don't think he's been very good to me. I give you the love of your life and you give me 'this'. I'd rather sell newspapers than help another person get the love of their life. I am magic, i can get them the happiest nearest to perfection love, if i can make them think it anyways yet i cant find myself a suitable guy? I just wish i could run away and create a fairybook life for myself to live in. Yesterday,  i talked to my good friend Dana. We met on netlog and have been insepparable ever since. We  dont talk as much as we used to butt i think we're still as close ;) And yesterday she was the only one who cared. Always has bin. After talking to her... i held on to one phrase she said. It was question she asked me and it's marked me. I'm not sure why just that one marked me but it did. " How do you stop the bleeding" My answer was as witty as it was untrue. I just loved the question. I reqlly didnt know what to answer but i always have an anwser for things whether or not i believe in it. I answered to be optimistic, but how do you really stop the bleeding?

Ugh, FML!

Dieting

I see myself as fat.

Not extremely fat or anything but i  tend to hang out with people much skinnier than myself.

I am pretty biased, and i do sometimes judge on the way people look, but it's not a habit. I'm not proud of it or anything, but i do recognise it at times when i say things i shouldn't.

So i like the REALLY skinny look. Not thr anorexic, but the skinny look! I find it quite attractive, and ofr someone who doesn't really have hips, such as myself, i think that look would suit me. It would bring out my hips and mmake me fit in with the rest of my family.

 I'm pretty short and fat compared to the other girls in my family. I've come up with my own theory for why i'm short. I think it's because of the amount of sun we get. Like plants, i thiink humans grow in the same way. Because we get a lot of sunlight we tend to not grow towards the sun, and also because we stay inside we get the sunlight we need, but we tend to go out at night so, we don' t really sleep and so on. Whereas in other countries like England or cities like New York, there are a lot of clouds in the skies,  and people will grow towards the sun. Also, i'm fat because here in saudi arabia, all they can really advertise is food. Everywhere you turn there's food. And there's not much to do but eat. When you're really bored, you eat! Some have grown out of the eating habit and moved on to drugs or drinking but most of us eat and sleep. I eat and sleep. I've seen the gruesome effects of eating and sleeping and i really want to stop that habit. But being a girl, this is almost impossible for me out here; People in other lands are lucky enough to walk to places or ride their bikes etc.

So i've decided to go on a 'diet'. In the past i've failed at this so now im not going to look at it as a regular diet. Then again, its not a regular diet; I'm taking a different approach to things. I'm either goingt to starve myself to beauty or try the 'diet solution' thing. Starving myself might be easy, but i tend to reward myself a bit too greatly which means all my works would go to waste. And finding the right foods in a country like this one would take me forever. I really dont know what i'll do. I'll starve myself and eat the right foods i can find if i feel fatigue and nausea. I'll try to work out every friday or so and drink a lot of water and energy drinks to stay alive. I learnt that natural fruit juices arent so natural or good for you. They are full of sugar and prevent you from burning fat because they create insulin which drops your body sugar level and that's bad because it makes you have cravings. It's crazy cycle our bodies take and whats worse is its different for every person due to our metablolism.

Well it's a new day, let's see if i can get skinny in a month. Hopefully this won't be a disgraceful fail.

My motto for the next 30 days is "I DONT EAT" I'll see if mimo wants in. She's always wanting to get skinny. AMerica ruined the both of us. :/ Ahahah!

Ugh, FML!