3 Posts in 1

Still from my phone ;>

- UNREAL

My life is so fucking unstable. I'm so fucking unstable. Love does not exist for me but one day I hope it sweeps me off my feet, but only if its here to stay. Or it might as well just not show up. I'm so sick and tired of all these traitors. I can't trust the people I know, or the people I don't. They'll all stab me in the front and tbh I'd prefer them stabbing me in the back. And the traitors deceive me but still believe that they can act like everything's okay. Have they forgotten everything that has just happened, everything that they've done?

- TRAITORS
We're all sailors in this world.. Sailing high on life.
We'll meet lots of traitors in this world.. Ones that don't stab with a knife.

"For never was there a story of more woe than that of juliet and her romeo" 
- william shakespeare

William should have stuck around, for a centuries later

"There came a story of more woe
A story full of strife
The fact of the matter is
It was the story of my life"
- inezz emm.

- Reeah

I curse like a sailor
She hurt me that traitor
Could you do me this favor
And all turn to hate her

She's changed out to in
a freshly touched virgin 
She was never mine to win
Our friendship was a sin

"She's out of mind and out of sight now. "

My life is a losing game

Also from my phone ;>

Do winners always win, or do losers always lose? Does there have to be one of both to every game or can we have the chance to choose?

I've lost it all. I tried to get it back, but they told me not to try too hard. It was like trying to put out a huge fire with a bucket of water. I lost my mind a long time ago and I've been losing everything vital ever since. I guess I chose to lose, whether I meant to or not. Was I really that careless in caring for my possessions or were they never mine to begin with? If tears were unable to evaporate, I would've drowned in mine a long time ago. It is almost impossible to think that I ever had anything at all. I played a game and I lost it all. I lost everything. I lost my precious diary to a man who had no business in my life. I lost my boyfriends to girls that logic would dictate aren't any better than me. I lost my friends through words that I don't remember why they were even uttered. And then I cried, losing tears for people who wouldn't have shed but one fake one.

I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care that my diary, with a thousand and one of my deepest thoughts, is in the hands of a total stranger. I shouldn't care that I always get dumped out of pure madness. I shouldn't care that my old friends don't want me in their lives anymore. I shouldn't care that she would rather speak to 'that' rather than me or anyone else for that matter. I REALLY shouldn't care.

But I do and therefore, I lose.

Ruru, you are no longer mine. I leave you in the hands of another.

I love you so much that when that love turns to hate well..

what could it be that triggers this hate? Did you have to stab me in my back? Did you have to humiliate me in front of a bunch of people? Did you have to speak my secrets to every person with a pulse? Did you have to totally zone me out? Did you have to lie to my face?

No. None of that.
All you had to do was speak the words you did. They were enough to break my already shattered heart into a million more pieces. After all the things you have said to me, insulting me in a way that was unjust and uncalled for, why be so hypocritical? Can you just stop being 'that' #2 and fucking get your own characteristics. It's not difficult being yourself y'know. But the fact is that you are her clone and so I would expect nothing more from you. Make yourself comfortable because you're 2 people sitting on one seat. I hope the seatbelt fits or else.. And because you are the second 'that' you are also inferior. You are just that bit worse than she is. To think you would have rather gone to your original than to have continued conversation with me disgusts me really. I used to be your confidante, and you mine. But I don't blame you. You're just out of your mind and in hers. I just hope you grow into yours in time. 

Do you think I'll make you try and repair the damage? No, I wouldn't want you to cut yourself trying to reassemble something that's beyond repair. There's nothing you can do for me now but leave me alone. Dig yourself a grave and sit in it. Please. Because right now all my love is being used in anger and hate and its all towards one person: you! Because you were once my best friend. Because you were the one who lied to me. Because you were the one who used me. Because you were the base of it all. Was it a plan from the start? I do wonder. I don't want to hurt you, so I'll let you off easy. And no I'm not stupid, I know better; next time I won't be so forgiving.

Now you're not only hurting me but you're hurting my friends too and that's not okay with me. I will come and fuck with your face if I have to and not you, nor your sex partner, nor you original, nor your tag-along can stop me. The traitor will get her just desserts and I'll see to it!

All I want to say is please don't hurt me like that again. If not for my sake, then for yours. I don't think I could take another blow like that again.

Thank you (:


Also a post from my memos on my phone. If i ever let you look, you could find some interesting stuff there, haha. But it's too long to bother reading!

It takes all these things and all this time :\

To think this was all written on my phone. I did'nt realise how long it was :-o

Oh lover, I was up in the woods somewhere, sitting on the edge of something. I had just woken up, as the sight of a firefly pulled my attention towards the sky. There I saw our pink moon. We used to live on that pink moon, in my marshmallow dreams. We were always there for each other. One day I waited, but you never came. Still I waited for days on end. I knew you wouldn't show but I had to stay. I said I'd always be there for you; I promised. And so you see, I had to stay in case you came back. Came back home. Where I'd be waiting with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eyes. A drop of water on my nose announced the coming of rain. I love the rain. I blinked, and as if on queue, it begun to rain. I watched every living thing scurry to safety, curl up nice and warm. Not a creature stirred. It was growing colder. I enjoyed it, for the soothing decrease in temperature was the only time I knew I was alive. And I mean truly alive. When the numbness was no more and I could feel. Feel the frost on my nose. Ahh.

But then I see the dark clouds coming up. I don't like the ominous night clouds above me. Now they're here, I know they won't go away. Things will never be the same. You will never come home. My marshmallow dreams have vanished. Then, and only then did I truly realize how alone I felt. How alone I was. And how alone I'd always be. The cold now penetrated into my heart and every word that I spoke, was of someone else. Words I spoke to play the part of the girl I'd like to be. The act I pull off everyday. That of the girl who smiles the most beautiful lies.

Oh and how my heart aches, no burns at the mere thought of you. I just want to get you out of my head and into my arms. Screaming your name in the midst if the forest goes unheard, just like all the prayers I said each night before I finally gave up. I've given up on everything. I've lost the strength for it all. All of it except you. I'll still keep my chin up for you, for if you return, I wouldn't want you to see me in such a pitiful state. And although my exterior portrays a calmness only known to setting suns and rising moons, inside, tucked away somewhere, lies an imminent explosion waiting to happen. I know this because you had stabbed your final goodbye at me in a way that couldn't define you as a human but more as a stone-hearted beast, and that was bound to do the trick - you pulled the trigger; you injected the venom.

It was not our last goodbye, for I saw you in my acid dreams. Ones from which a firefly wakes me up and I find myself sitting on the edge of something, up in the woods somewhere. Sometimes I even pretend to be asleep just to sweeten my nightmares but... If not that, then I sit there for hours staring at the scenery, not paying attention to a single thing that happens in front of me, only thinking of what went wrong. And remembering the good old days where you couldn't hurt me. But now thoughts of you torment me. Truth is, I still love you; it hurts. It hurts too much for me to admit to anyone apart from myself; I wouldn't want you to think of me as your malice or ghost - I set you free (and I would be so darn lucky if you returned). It hurts too much to even think about it. Thinking about it nauseated me, confused me, wounded me and puts my heart in a position of distress. Like poison. I know that if we ever do meet again, the way you move won't be fair. "Hey! Don't be spiteful. Come back, walk my way. Don't walk, run if you please." But no you wouldn't dare walk back here. Not back home to our lovely not-so-happy melted world. It used to be so shiny, in fact it still is. But not everything shiny is gold. 

There's no other way to escape the truth but this. And there is no other way to escape you but by stopping the blood circulation in my waste of a body. All this for a person? But it is not just a person. To me it is so much more than that. But I'll lie and say it WAS more than that, because "I've moved on", right? I'm so stuck in the past lingering on your deep brown eyes, on what seemed like the fairest of seasons. I tremble at the thought. Honestly, I tremble all the time due to my disease: the reason for all this perhaps? I just want god to show me all the things I shouldn't know. That won't happen, for I also stopped believing in god altogether. I just want HIM to meet me in an imaginary basement and take both my hands in his. I just want her to rewind, to before she became a traitor and to stop trying to act like 'that' just for approval - but we all know she has a hard time fitting in. I wish 'that' had had the good sense of coming right up to my face and saying anything she had to say instead of hurting me like that; I would've understood and I would still talk to her - now I'm afraid I just want to slap her, but its not too late. She can still fix this. I wish she would too. I also wish I hadn't spoken those words to my long lost friend. I wish I had spoken my mind or my heart more often. I wish mother nature would just let the sunshine in! I wish..

Ugh, I'm pathetic. I've got to stop all this useless wishing and act upon my hopes and dreams. But I'm losing faith, hope, strength, enthusiasm, logic, desire, and even the will to breathe. But I won't die on you now. I'm still here, on the pink moon, aren't i. Even if its color happens to fade in time, you can still find me there. I look at my watch and concoct a friend for myself. Hm, I'm not so alone. I'll just go back to sleep again. My life is on hold when I'm here. Time doesn't dare enter this area and I don't have to keeping running from it. Or trying to fight it. *yawn* I think I'll just doze off again, even if it kills me. I have to see you again and this is the only way I know how. Don't worry I'm not alone, I've got someone watching on me. Can you see us?

Midnight and I. 

P.s. I love you so much, at times I can't even look at you for fear that I might faint, die, or wake up!

A secret, revealed

[Sshhh!]

Y'know, THIS YEAR, I attempted suicide. Fail.

Yes, i know, it's not a solution to your problems but i wasn't looking for one.

 I finally got the courage and told my Dad. He got a grip of all sorts of people and i found myself on more medication than i should be on.

Bleh, and the medication wasn't even tasty.

I say i'm fine & i am, but not in the way i want to be.

What's the way i want to be 'fine'? Well, take a guess.

I still wonder:

What went wrong, was it just that i was too scared?

Let's let my mind drift away for a second or two

.

..

...

....

.....

....

...

..

.

And then among these thoughts you came in, helped me get better.

I had no use for the pills anymore.

And i thank you for that (:

I miss you a lot. A lot more than you do.

You were my confidante, and in a second that all changed; You then gave me reason to start the pills again.

Oh no, that spells trouble..

But an overdose is not enough.

Let's try again, what i failed to do so long ago, and see if i'll succeed this time.

Will you stop me in time?

Will you?

[Sshh!]