Bombeezy Scribbles #1

It's just about 9:40 AM
and i'm going to try and write a poem!
I'll name it later. Or someone can help me name it later :)
There it is, 9:40 on the dot so here i gooooo.

So now i leave you without a sound
because of the love you had not found
And my heart quickly hits the ground
Knowing that you will not be around


Knowing that i had you there
And now you don't even care
You were my ration of air
And now you don't even care


Trying to wash a tear stained face
Along with the memories i can't erase
Our love was just another pity case
so easily over, so easily replaced


Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

I'll deal with it the way i know best

Bodily harm; Perhaps a stake through the chest

& Anything else  you might suggest

I can't be bothered being depressed

Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

Ending my life, is not suicide

Not when you have already died

Taking all the good times aside

I only remember the times i cried

Knowing that i had you there

And now you don't even care

You were my ration of air

And now you don't even care

Goodbye, forever.

Spring Cocktail party

[This post was originnaly titled last night but i never got round to finishing it ]

Yesterday [as in wednesday] i went to a party on star compound ;)

Prologue

Star is a pretty lame compound so i don't go often. As a matter of fact, i don't go at all. It's worse than seder D:

Ahahahahaha! No offense intended to sederians! Anyways. The guy goes, yeah be there early, like at 6. So It's 5:10 and i haven't even got my outfit because mimo's still taking a shower and my stuff is at her house. I go to her house to hurry her process, and get my dress. I come home and decide i dont wanna wear the dress. Instead i decide to wear my little skirt that i love. It's really short but whatever. Now it's about 5:30 and Lean hasnt come. She calls, as if by coincidence and says were come. She gets to the compound at like 5:50 and realises she doesnt know the way to my house. She says she's at the park so i go out with my old abaya and look in both parks. Tiring process believe it or not. I thought i'd find her so i didnt take my phone. Fail. I go home and call her up, only to find out after precising her location that shes in a completely different place. the place where i looked in the car mirror. Oooft, had  my memory failed me then, i would have been doomed. So go get her and its six by the time. We wait for mimo, get ready, put make up on, wait foor asma, call a compound car, hop in, drive off, get there and here's where the story really begins.  

As soon as we stepped out the car asma saw people she knew. [This is where i stopped and i'm going to try my best to retell the story in as much detail as i can rememeber] So she calls to them and gets out the car. Me and Mimo did our little flop attempts at getting out of the car closely followed by Lean and Rahaf. So we go through the pedestrian gate. The door doidnt open wide enough for some reson so we had to squeeze through. So we get to the gate and only mimo and asma actually had their ID's. Lean goes,  we don't need our ID's. The guy is just gonna come and deal with it. The guy working at the the party room had to come back and forth. He kept trying to shoo us off but Lean talked to him. It was sooo embarrasing we practically spent an hour at the gate wwaiting as all our friends passed and shit.  Lean kept saying the guy has the list and hell put us in but the guy came at thegate and ditched us. wtff. Then it was someone's bright idea to run in so Lean and Rahaf run in. Big fail because the guy was staring rightat them when they did so. I stayed and got penalized for their mistakes. Two random girls tried getting me in but it was such a fail. In the end, i made a pact with the guy: If Rhaf and Lean came back now then he would let me in ;)  Fair enough. So they came back!  We must have pissed the guy off really badly or our pleading must have worked cos he finally let us in. Just when i was about ready to give up and go home. So we go into the bathroom to check ourselves and we had to go into the guys one. Some guy comes in all confused, checks the door then looks at us. "The other one is locked" asma says. He goes in with a nod of the head and does his business. Haha, it made me and rahaf laugh. LOUDLY. So then we go upstairs to the party room. Asma was sposed to be checking but we really couldnt be bothered. So then, we see this frog like guy (who ended up adding me on facebook ) and others doing shisha ;) i wanted :/ but ima cleanyy! We sat across from him. Then i randomly see Aman. Ahahah, i ended up being her life saver. So we chilled with her. Oh it gets even funnier. I see Nehad and im like shit. Trying to aviod him but it was such a fail lol. We went into the party room and i see Xzit ;)  He's cool. Taller or shorter than i would have expected or rememebered. The diffference must have bin in the heelz. So yeah and nehad asked me to dance, and so did a few guys. i ended up dancing with a random 17 year old fahad. Mimo danced with his friend, after he got rejected by both rahaf and aman;
.
Lol, so all in all i met yasmin seridar and sonson heavens. AND MANY MORE ;)
Fun night in the end. Had lots of fun.

Downer was that i had to see G's face, and go home with G and be in within the meter of him. Ugh! But atleast got to see mohab and meet Basma x3 Oh speaking of G. he's such a stalker. he was on my netlog this morning at like 4:40 :/ wtfff.

UGH, FML!

It's the memories that we had..

Earlier today i had spent my morning eyes wide open awake thinking. Thinking of the most ridiculous things. I must have been really tired or really hungry. I've been fucked up in the head today.

At school today i had to work with stefan for french. Haven't spoken to him in a while so i guess this is good. He mentioned this website. I find that a little stalkerish :/ That same way Maher ended up in every one of my classes this year! Health passed by quickly but the things we learnt today were pretty deep. Everything's deep in that class. I can't permit myself to fail that class. It's just a reminder of how well i'll do at life. If i fail health then i might do badly in the future. Gah, my mind's a really complicated place. Then i had science. Fun lesson. Finally understood what the lesson was about at the end. I was lucky that McLellan helped me out when he sent me to the board. Nice guy! He's really funny to. ( As in funny, laugh at funny) Funniest shit in science... McLellan makes a poisonous gas and puts it in a thing that's suppose to filter it and so we don't breathe it in. Ahmed goes "i can smell it D:" No really? Have you ssen how big your honker is? Imagine you couldn't smell it! Ahahahahah! Silly boy. Furth was really pissed in math today and i finally got the lesson too there. Ahah ;) Catching up just like you wanted Gordiee.

Back home i didn't decide to sleep. Instead i spent my day on MSN. - i really like this site cos it saves every 2 minutes or so. that way everytime i accidentally close the wondow, its saved and i dont have to get all upset - Talked to a lot of people today. It was random ;) Gladly Ghassan deleted me from his FB. He added me, he deleted me. That way it's ALL him. He's always been one to run away, haha! Coward, just like his gf. And speaking of her, she tells me to apologise. For what? wtf. LMAO, a couple of weirdos. Bin talking to Glittery more and more. He's being nice, which is awkward. I don't like it. I dunno y. Ahah! Not sure what to do with my weekend. So many people asking me to go to places. Argh, my simple outings have become overly complicated. Oh yes, The party! I can't wait. I have so much homework to do, i don't know where or how to begin.

Lately i've found out that i like to trust people with personal things and those people arent even that close. I miss having my long uninteresting  conversations about random things with her. I found out that she likes taking baths. I haven't taken a bath in a very long time. I wan't to hop into a jacoozi. Arizona me manques trop. I really wanna go back there. It's fun! I miss all the things i lost this year! I lost so much this year. Mentally, environmentally, and socially. I would like to recover them but there's a slim chance of that happening. I don't know how i let these things happen. Why can't everyone just chill and like everyone. Or atleast pretend to. I don't know. Can't we still talk through our differences ? Sing like little canaries and not really bother whether the notes are flat or sharp. Okay, that was a silly metaphor but i hope i'm gztting my point across. After a long time i haven't prayed. I'm going to pray tonight. I am so scared to do so. Noww i know what being scared of the ridiculous feels like. Where people might think that you're crazy and laugh, because they dont feel the same way; They're not scared of those things that terrify you.

I'm wondering if i'll ever make it on that TV screen. Or have the greens rolling in. Will i have to do back breaking work to earn my money? I've always dreamt big but whenever i take my long trips back from inside my head to Earth, i rememeber that life doesn't always work out the way you plan. I take a wiff of reality and realise that dreams don't come true. Ever! Not a one. I'm so afraid that all my positive self talk will blow up in my face. Just like everything else. I want the brightest future for myself and the kids i want to have. But I'm so scared. I just feel like dying or fast forwarding or rewinding or something. I need help and i feel more alone than ever these days :[ I'm wondering when i'll ever starttalking to the people i've been zoning out. There are just so many.. I don't like the feeling. To me were just distant friends but seeing them every once in a while reminds me that we can all talk to eachother and make the effort to go up to the other and say something. Just one thing! Anything.  Or a gesture to say everythings fine. We're all capable of it, but i'm just getting the wrong idea!

What i don't understand is how people can be so cruel; so good at art; so insensitive; so stupid.
Really these 4 topics should be sepereate posts so i'm going to save these stories for another day/time.

"I look at all these photographs
I remember when i used to make you laugh
I don't want to be stuck in the past
But you're all that i have, that i have"
- RIHANNA & Will.I.Am

Ugh, FML :'/

Emancipation

Not sure what the word in title of this post means :z
I just like it ;)

So here's today's post.
My diet is going marvelously, thank you very much. NAAAAT
Come on, you all know me too well to go on a diet. I'm from Belgium. All we do s eat. We have th stomachs for this type of thing. Ugh, i don't know hoz Justine and the Mathy's do it. I guess they're not proper bëlge. So yeah, I failed at starving myself cos i had KFC and ate at school. Incase you haven't guessed. That means i've been eating MORE than usual :s I must be really bored. I'll try tomorrow.  It has to be 30 days from the the day i start. Ahah! That might take me a year to accomplish. Maybe i should starve myself for a week. Yeah thats what i'll do. Segment my long term goal of being SUPER SKINNY. Yeah, a week then a week and a bit, then 2 weeks and an eating session between each or i'll die. I hope it works... *fingers crossed*

School life is awkward. Appart from the eating theres been a few noticeable changes. I've stopped talking to the anwars. "Its about time" ahah. Okay, just because i'm not talking to them doesn't mean were not friends. Well technically it does but that gives you no right to talk about them in that way. I was once friends with them and i'd appreciate it if you didnt ;) Noorhan's the falsest person i've met. i can't even say she's two faced because i'm not quite sure how that works anymore. So i'm going to say she's false. Like that guy in summer camp (Thierno) Ahah. I love Cemre more than ever these days <3 Finally have more time for here (melekler) ahah, you'd think we were dating. Zee is just zee, i cant find the words to describe her. Haha, random factoid: I find myself within armswidth of Farah Shrouf today. We were together, didnt talk or anything but we were in the same group. Twas weird. And Alia saved my life from her today aswell!  LuLu<3 Tarek Radwan's been stalking me on facebook and out. He knows a lot! I dont like to talk about the past very much, excluding memories, souvenirs and laughter moments. I should be mefiant of him; he scares me a little. This quarter i have 3 c's and thats a terrible thing through my eyes. Classes only get harder from here on!

Out of school is even more of a guess. Going back to my regular life where i fend for myself and for my truly loyal entourage is a bit weird. Contrarily to being nice to everyone, being nice to the people who 'matter' is much more liberating. Glitter is acting really strange around me these days. I've lost my ability to decipher people and so i'm struggling.  My train of thought has derailed and i can't make good judgement of things as i used to. My speaking has worsened to over the past few months and i'm afraid i'm heading nowhere. My love life's gone down the toilet and i'm not sure i can reach to get it back, i'm not sure i even want to.  My personal life's a bore and my relationships are scattered all because of the decisions i make. I cant choose wisely anymore. I just wanna blaze and pretend i'm dead for 3 more years. Speaking of, Mimo brings home coke from school. Is she insane !? Ahah, La Fouine, Co-Cocaine dans l'jean ;) A lot of people know her drug dealer 'AJ'.  Ah, guess who comes online. Glittery. Lol i call him that because his last name is shammary and alia pronounces it shimmiry which is like shimmery as in shiny or glittery so yeah. Yes, i see that im bored too but i cant bring myself to doing hw :/

Today i haven't done much. Came home; ate; msn; pissed; facebook; slept; woke up; drank; msn; and here i am now. My downstairs TV is a bust and both my ipods have no battery. I slept pretty late last night which was normal but it irregulated my irregular sleeping pattern into a regular teen one, ahah >;< I haven't watched TV properly in ages and now it feels weird to do so.. I feel uncomfortable in my skin in everything i do. Ifought with Rania's bf. Considering i helped them get to together, i don't think he's been very good to me. I give you the love of your life and you give me 'this'. I'd rather sell newspapers than help another person get the love of their life. I am magic, i can get them the happiest nearest to perfection love, if i can make them think it anyways yet i cant find myself a suitable guy? I just wish i could run away and create a fairybook life for myself to live in. Yesterday,  i talked to my good friend Dana. We met on netlog and have been insepparable ever since. We  dont talk as much as we used to butt i think we're still as close ;) And yesterday she was the only one who cared. Always has bin. After talking to her... i held on to one phrase she said. It was question she asked me and it's marked me. I'm not sure why just that one marked me but it did. " How do you stop the bleeding" My answer was as witty as it was untrue. I just loved the question. I reqlly didnt know what to answer but i always have an anwser for things whether or not i believe in it. I answered to be optimistic, but how do you really stop the bleeding?

Ugh, FML!

Dieting

I see myself as fat.

Not extremely fat or anything but i  tend to hang out with people much skinnier than myself.

I am pretty biased, and i do sometimes judge on the way people look, but it's not a habit. I'm not proud of it or anything, but i do recognise it at times when i say things i shouldn't.

So i like the REALLY skinny look. Not thr anorexic, but the skinny look! I find it quite attractive, and ofr someone who doesn't really have hips, such as myself, i think that look would suit me. It would bring out my hips and mmake me fit in with the rest of my family.

 I'm pretty short and fat compared to the other girls in my family. I've come up with my own theory for why i'm short. I think it's because of the amount of sun we get. Like plants, i thiink humans grow in the same way. Because we get a lot of sunlight we tend to not grow towards the sun, and also because we stay inside we get the sunlight we need, but we tend to go out at night so, we don' t really sleep and so on. Whereas in other countries like England or cities like New York, there are a lot of clouds in the skies,  and people will grow towards the sun. Also, i'm fat because here in saudi arabia, all they can really advertise is food. Everywhere you turn there's food. And there's not much to do but eat. When you're really bored, you eat! Some have grown out of the eating habit and moved on to drugs or drinking but most of us eat and sleep. I eat and sleep. I've seen the gruesome effects of eating and sleeping and i really want to stop that habit. But being a girl, this is almost impossible for me out here; People in other lands are lucky enough to walk to places or ride their bikes etc.

So i've decided to go on a 'diet'. In the past i've failed at this so now im not going to look at it as a regular diet. Then again, its not a regular diet; I'm taking a different approach to things. I'm either goingt to starve myself to beauty or try the 'diet solution' thing. Starving myself might be easy, but i tend to reward myself a bit too greatly which means all my works would go to waste. And finding the right foods in a country like this one would take me forever. I really dont know what i'll do. I'll starve myself and eat the right foods i can find if i feel fatigue and nausea. I'll try to work out every friday or so and drink a lot of water and energy drinks to stay alive. I learnt that natural fruit juices arent so natural or good for you. They are full of sugar and prevent you from burning fat because they create insulin which drops your body sugar level and that's bad because it makes you have cravings. It's crazy cycle our bodies take and whats worse is its different for every person due to our metablolism.

Well it's a new day, let's see if i can get skinny in a month. Hopefully this won't be a disgraceful fail.

My motto for the next 30 days is "I DONT EAT" I'll see if mimo wants in. She's always wanting to get skinny. AMerica ruined the both of us. :/ Ahahah!

Ugh, FML!

Karma

I always knew my future was foretold. But it always gets told in twists and turns of cunning trickery in my Deja vu styled life. It's only when i go back to review the incident that i realise how stupid i had been, and how big a mistake i had made. This whole suspension thing could have been avoided.

I was talking to Zaina which i should do more often. Whenever i come to her, my predictions are cleared up. We were comparing and contrasting and we found a destinctive pattern. Both my chillest hottest teachers had given me a detention sometime before these incidents. In both cases, my accomplices were interrogated, letters were sent home and in both cases they reseulted in my suspension. One thing is for sure, i will never learn.

So i have school later today. I have certainly left an impression on Gordon. But he's just one man. I really don't care what he thinks of me for future references tbh. I never liked him since the day he announced we'd have homework on the first day of highschool! Luckily i had easy classes and they didnt give us shit. :p HAHA.

Anyways, thanks to my suspension i got to meet 2 hot guys today. Amr something and Abdulr7man something. LMAO. I Have their fulll names written on a paper somewhere. - I said i would start getting ready for school at 5:20 and its 5:22 so ima start at 5:30 or 40 lol - It was such a funny day. Me making myself look uber cool and that. And i wore all black like goth ppunkish emo! Ahahaha. -ugh im on msn aswell which is so distracting- it was funny! So bitched about these two girls 'Rawa and Anda' Ahahah! And Amr is such a pussy, i swear. Always afraid of getting caught by the coppers. Ahah, cutiee.

I got yelled at by rania's dad lol. Pretty funny. Threatening me. How stupid? Msri man wants to get all up in Euro/Asian/Central-African Grill. He does not know what he put himself into.

And then there's a whole Other Shammary incident. I really don't know what to do with that guy. He drives me absolutely mad. Accusing my best friend mimo of such powerful crimes. Tbh, i can never believe a word he says anymore. This is why i have to lie to him every time he asks me to go out with him. I'm not going to show him how i feel. I'm not going to let him know the damage he's caused inside of me; the big mess i've become. Nope! I'm going to smile like everything's okay, act like nothings the matter and really look like i've moved on with my life. I like revenge but i only plan it and never carry it out. Who knows what this ones capable of :/ - 5:50 passed and im stil not getting ready, so gonna end this post short- I just wish i knew. but it's part of life to not know stuff.

Ooo, and Rania. Don't get me started on her! I'm not sure i can trust her either these days. There's going to be a dramatic change in how i spend my weekends from now on.

All in all, Karma turned ou to be on my side. She just had to do what she had to do. What goes around comes around and she just had to balance things out. I had spent a really nice afternoon so the suspension was my counterbalance. Like back in british. Some things never change. So i ended pretty much unharmed. Now i have to go back to school and face stupid rumors... Oh Lord, take me now!

Ugh, FML!

School's a bitch!

School has always been a bitch and will always be a bitch.
The worst school in my opinion, out of all the schools i've been to is AIS-Riyadh.
it is fucking ridiculous.
How can anyone even learn anything, or accomplish anything?
It should be a school for the handicapped or the impaired.
I think it's mostly because of the adults and their primitive thinkings.
Ugh, i hate all the adults of my generation.

My most chill teacher, Mr. Bourcier ratted me out to the principal.
Ya5ri, i already speak french so wtfff?
Just because i had a preentation to do.
He goes and sends an email that i ditched class.
Doesn't he know that notifying the principal always leads to big shit?
Has he no heart, no pity, no empathy?
I swear i hate him so much.
The only reason i ccare so much was because it was him, of all the teachers i have, who did this to me.
I think i'll never get over it.
I dont hold grudges but i keep these things written down because revenge is a platter i serve piping hot!
I hope he dies a horrible death.
One day, Karma will have her say!
What goes around comes around.
You cant just do things to people and expect everything to be okay.
The moment might come and pass you by, but if he thinks this is the end, hes got another things coming.

Then again, had i been ditching with someone else, things might have turned out alright. Rania had to go and tell the truth. Dissapointing but i dont think she knew anybetter. She burst into tears and they took pity on her. I could never bring myself to cry no matter how real or how false my tears were. I cant have people take pity on me. Not in that way. They'd have to know the story. They'd have to understand. I just couldnt bring myself to cry infrontof their eyes and seem so weak. I've always been the bad guy. The bad guy doesnt cryy, wtfff?
So i basically took the blame for the both of us. I have to skip and make up for more lessons. I have to act confident for the both of us. And now my own principal looks down on me. TBH, i really dont care. His perception of me wont break me, make, me change me or ruin me. He's just another soul lost on this fucked up earth.  He has no right to be a critic of me. I havent given him the right. I havent shown him me. But yet i let him do what he pleases. People are already on my back for a billion and one things. This shall just be a billion and two. And Rania might not like to be scarred for life but its only  a  mistake you made in freshman year. you now know not to mess with fucking AISR ey?  And after 3 years ima let it go. Right now i cant stand all this bullshit but one  day i'll be free from it all. I am going to take the fastest way out of here.

I remember how kind they were in British. They were just too kind and they didnt get upset over silly things such as skipping a third of a class. wtf. IMAGINE. they know better than to get worked up over these sorts of things. I loved it so much there. I spent my childhood there. I thought my worst years were spent there but i had no idea AISR was going to be this bad. ever since i got here ive been looking for a way out. It's made me wreckless and careless and i dont like it but it just aggravates so much to be in this school. -Lol, jungle junction is on ruining my whole angryy, bashful mood  hahahah - I just cant find the words to explain how unhappy i am at the school. I have no respect for anybody at this school except for my friends, the people ii find to be good or decent people and mr. doig. Other than that no other staff member! I really wouldnt mind if they all died ( except for my teachers, they're sometimes kind to me and thats EXCLUDING OF COURSE mr. francois bourcier).

I've always seen my future as so bright. I know i am capapble of so much. In british school i was in the highest of all high places. I was way above average. I was at the bottom of the smarts and i really liked it. I was cool/ popula. Teachers would have nominated me for things. The i came to AISR where no teacher knows me well. None of them know my history. None of them even care. My English teacher was a biased racist old hag! My science teacher was a perfectionist! I can never get history so i failed. My math teacher made me redo algebra 1 whereas i was in algebra 2 /trig in british. My only good class was art where i got an award and P.E cos im really sporty. I had a passing grade in orchestra and tech and the teachers were pretty chill.
But then came highschool and my life went downhill from there. I got a new bf, and he broke up with me suddenly. Short relationship that left me heartbroken and really messed with my head. Why would you do that to me Shammary? ugh, whatever. You chose farah over, i am never going to forget that. I mena you could have chosen anyone, but HERR!!?? I was so dissapointed i just didnt know what to do anymore. Just thinking of this makes my heart ache and my eyes flood. Then the seniors mess me up, next the juniors. ugh what else? My DEJA VU life is worse this time around. I swear i wish i could just die but im too afraid of death. I am just too afraid of dying. Too aafraid of leaving this world behind because i dont know wht comes nexxt. My time wil come and let it come when it has to and not a minute sooner. And i wouldnt want to be inconsiderate to the poeple who truly love me.

UGH, FML!

Fresh Start

I've decided to make yet another blog.
But this one i'll be more devoted to.
Look how pretty i made it.
I'm trying to make it worth while reading.
I'm going to try and write the way i used to.
All random and stupid yet witty.
I see people liked reading those kinds of things.
Now that i've matured slightly, people stopped following logic and would much rather hear opinions that are irrational!
O well.
I'll try to incorporate both, if possible, in my writing.
I just love writing so much but i tend to be super lazy and i never find anytime.
especially not with the way i like to waste it.
Today i'm suspended from school for ditching french. I'll explain in further detail in the next post.
That meansi have a little bit of spare time.
I have a lot of late work to catch up with
including the work im going to miss today!
I always dreamed of going to AIS-R but now that i'm here.
i wish i had just known how stupid my thinkings were.
I'd do anything to go back to british.
ANYTHING, almost :z

Ugh, FML!